Still Born
September 28, 2009
“The Baby is Dead, No Heartbeat!”
Till this day those words still pierce pieces of My Soul.
I woke up like it was any other morning since finding out I was pregnant by accident in June 2009! I know you’re probably thinking “by accident Anika!?!”
Ok so here’s how, I had just gotten back from celebrating My Maw Maw’s 70th Diva Day 4½ hours away in the country. I slept there and back but didn’t think anything of it because sleeping is like sex to me!! I truly ENJOY that shit!!
So I was laying in the bed thinking “My Girlfriend” (Menstrual Cycle, Period, Aunt Flow, P.Dot whatever you call her) hadn’t come and that was kinda weird b/c she’s ALWAYS on TIME!! So I reached in My Girlfriend drawer and got out a pregnancy test! Yes I had pregnancy tests on deck, because my ex like nutting in me, besides the NuvaRing is only 99.7% effective with perfect use and 92% effective with typical use! Guess I used it the typical way!! (Rolls Eyes) TMI I know!!
Anyways I took the test and it definitely was POSITIVE, I’m talking 2 bright PINK lines POSITIVE!! But I threw it in the trash because my slow ass read it wrong! As I laid back in bed, I was thinking to myself nawl Anika go look at the box again, sure enough ya girl was PREGNANT!! Besides being utterly shocked because I actually thought I wasn’t for like 10 -15 minutes, I called my boyfriend aka baby daddy (He worked out of town at the time) to tell him the news!! Out the gate I was static!! In my most ghettoest voice ever “I’m Pregnant (Insert His Name) what you gon do, because I’m going to take care of My Baby with or without your help!! Surprisingly all he said was “girl stop tripping, how you know, and how far along are you?” He was excited, being that this would be his 1st kid and all, so (I) thought!!
Alright back to the story… So I got up for my normal morning pee, well wasn’t really normal because I had only gotten up once that night, before it was like 2 or 3x’s. I noticed there was dark maroon, mixed with bright red blood in my panties TMI again Oh well trying to paint a picture here! Instantly I thought the worst but hoping and praying for the BEST! I tried staying calm, so I called my mama, boyfriend, and the boss (had to call in it was Monday) told them what was going on and headed to the ER. My mind was racing like a muthaf***a, all I really remember (or care to remember) was getting checked in the room. Next thing I know Nurse E is checking for a heartbeat, she used both smaller heart monitors and there was nothing… She said “maybe the baby sleeping, or positioned wrong”, let’s try another monitor!? As we’re looking at the “BIG Ultrasound Machine” me thinking there was still hope, the screen was blue, the last time I came to check on the baby the movements on the screen were RED. Nurse E got up and said “I’m going to have the Dr take a look hold on!” The Doctor came in and asked was I alone? I replied yes but my boyfriend and mama are on the way, he said ok let me go check on the results! Like his ass didn’t already know!! So I’m sitting in this cold ass room by myself the BF finally made it, even though I hadn’t been there 30 mins, felt like forever!! (Gotta Make It Dramatic) Not even 180 seconds later the Doctor walked back in and said
“The Baby is Dead there is No Heartbeat!”
Damn, I just starting crying, screaming, asking for my mama & apologizing that our baby had died inside of me!! F*** I felt like such a failure, sometimes I still do! (Don’t worry I’m still working through those emotions too) I look up to finally see my mama & I’m crying hysterically asking “what did I do, why doesn’t my baby have a heartbeat anymore? The BF is looking out the window stuck silent, I’m guessing he was trying to process what we just found out! I do remember him telling me “It’s not your fault Juicy, shit happens, we’ll be alright!”
Doctor comes back tells me MY options, being that I was 20 weeks (5 months) I could either induce labor which could take hours and be pretty painful or have a D&C. I chose the D&C because I didn’t want to see the baby, just wanted this nightmare to be over with! Besides I was so damn confused, I didn’t know what the hell to do! Clearly GOD had different plans… So he sent me to a specialist, at a different hospital, yeap I had to leave knowing my baby was dead inside of me. Just for the specialist to tell me I needed LAMINARIA’S Oh its seaweed for your p****, to help soften your cervix! I had to schedule 2 different procedures until Wednesday, and it was just Monday! I won’t bore you with the details of how the next 2 days were, just know I was an emotional heartbroken wreck, couldn’t sleep for shit! So I go back on Tuesday 9/29/09 for the LAMINARIA’S to be inserted, that shit hurt like HELL too! It’s like a pap smear times 10, she pinched something inside me and it sent the worst pain up to my already broken heart! Thinking about it I can STILL feel that shit! I just laid there with tears falling down my face, holding my mama’s hand until the Doctor was finished. She sent me home with some instructions and pills to take to prepare for my “surgery.” Day 2 of walking around with my baby dead inside me was finally over…
September 30, 2009; I woke up around 7am to take some Misoprostol (google it) mind you I took it on an empty stomach because you can’t eat after 12 the night before the procedure! Oh and I have a low tolerance for drugs, just weak and fucked up! About an hour after taking the medicine I start having Ass Kicking Contractions amped up by those damn pills! Don’t ask me how I went through 4-5 pads from bleeding in 30 or so minutes. I wasn’t scheduled to arrive at the hospital until 10, but after all the hollering and rocking and my mama couldn’t get me off the floor in the bathroom, so we headed to the hospital. Mind you I soaked through the pads, my dress and damn near both towels in the car by time we made it!
At this point I’m getting checked in and the contractions are about 7 or so minutes apart. Ol’Girl checking me in asking all these damn questions as if me giving her my name wasn’t enough! I was trying to have some patience, clearly she wanted a show for the folks in the waiting area, and show is what I put on! So as they are wheeling me to elevator I started feeling like I had to throw up, I tell my mama and she hands me a cup!! As I sat up to throw up, I pushed my baby out, yeap I had my baby in a wheelchair! “Mama I think I just had the baby!!” So now I’m squatting in the chair because I don’t want to sit on my baby! Finally we made it to the room and I stand up all while holding the baby in between my legs so I could lay down. I was in so much pain and doped up, I just told my mama to look. She said “Awwww the baby is so little, it looks like a massacre down here girl!!!” The Doctor comes takes a look, cuts the umbilical cord, gives my baby to the nurse. A few minutes later the nurse comes back, I’m all In between my poor babies legs and then I saw it a “Little Tiny Slit” It’s A GIRL!! Lol (Admit it, yo ass just laughed!!)
My Sleeping Baby
“Angel LadyBug Loving”
Given the circumstances on how she was delivered, I was only able to see her for a few minutes before the doctor came back in a stated that her afterbirth hadn’t come out yet. He wanted me to pass it naturally, only after about 3 hours or so of bleeding and still contracting, damn near needing a blood transfusion he thought it would be a good idea to have the D&C… (Smart Move Doc) So I’m recovering and the nurse ask would I like to see Angel one last time? There I was holding, kissing, touching, and staring at my sleeping baby just heartbroken… Angel was as big as my hand, wrist to fingertips, she didn’t even weigh a pound…
My 1st Hello, was Our Final GoodBye…
Never knew I could love someone whose HEARTBEAT is the only thing I ever heard...
Last Year made 7 years, 7 is the number of COMPLETION. I told myself that I had to finally be complete with knowing GOD didn’t make A MISTAKE in choosing ME! Today makes 8 years, 8 means NEW BEGINNINGS! Now don't get me wrong it still hurts like hell and I think about Angel often, but I figured instead of being sad and thinking about the what if’s, I would finally tell My Story and START this Blog!!
A New Beginning, My New Beginning!!
Besides I Have Some S*** to Say!!!
Angel’s Mommy 09-30-2009
XO Anika Camelle 💋
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Free Stuff
November 11, 2020 at 6:02 pmHey! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I really enjoy reading your blog posts. Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that cover the same subjects? Many thanks!
Kendra Haywood
October 3, 2017 at 11:20 pmYour story was so touching and I’m sure you’ve helped someone. I’m sooooo proud of you. Keep pushing and continue to heal. Love you girlie 😘😘😘😘
Tanya Britt
October 2, 2017 at 4:44 pmThe first day I seen it, I didn’t want to read it, (due to my unstable assets)..smh But even after our long talks and walks I knew it was going to be like new to me. Ani, you are one of the strongest women I know and one thing for sure nothing or no one can hold you back from your destiny and ANGEL will forever and always be in your heart. Shine bright like the ANGEL you have in HEAVEN AniBoo!!! Love you girly….
Alexis White
October 2, 2017 at 8:28 amProud! This blog is going to be the business. I love you ! This story is fantastic, it’s vulnerable in the best way. Someone needed this.
Shameika
October 1, 2017 at 9:13 pmAnika,
I cannot fathom the courage and strength it took to go through this and see Gods purpose through it all. Your story reminded me of how fortunate I am for every experience life brings, whether good or bad with my daughter. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so right, God makes no mistakes.
Chasity
October 1, 2017 at 7:11 pmAnika this was absolutely beautiful and extremely moving thank you so much for sharing your life experience with the world I truly look forward to following you and reading about what is to come of Angels mommy. God Bless you love!!!!!!!!
Chasity Williams
Tameka Pounds
October 1, 2017 at 1:06 pmAnika,
This is awesome I love it I’ll definitely be following praying for you and cheering you on through your new beginnings
Shameka White
October 1, 2017 at 9:11 amWhat a story mommas!! Beautifully written!!
Shamica Wilson
October 1, 2017 at 8:25 amAnika! Omg! In tears. You are truly a blessing! Your strength is undeniable. I had two miscarriages before my first child and I relate to a lot of what you said on this blog. You are so strong and beautiful and brave! Your testimony will help many! God bless you!
Carly
October 1, 2017 at 8:06 amOkay so you got M.n.L tearing this morning. 😢Thank you for sharing your story, thoughts & feelings with such intimate details. I only knew half of the story. I know how it feels to lose a child, however I don’t know it feel to be motherless. Trust me girlfriend even better TRUST GOD had/has so many GREAT things planned for you & your life. You deserved to be more than just a “baby mama” God is working on perfecting the man you are meant to be with. Until you are 100% happy with this dude..keep doing you. You are a beautiful young woman (like I’ve always said YOU deserve the best) settle for nothing less. Your story has blessed so many already😘😘
Danielle M.
October 1, 2017 at 3:15 amAnika! I’m so proud of your bravery in sharing your story. I laughed, felt saddness, and was rejoiced in you celebrating your beginning. I’m looking forward to reading more about what you have to say. You have always had a strong voice. I’m glad that you are allowing us all to read and hear (I hear you speaking in Anika fashion lol) what you have to say in your most honest way. Love you girl!
Kat The Gemini
September 30, 2017 at 11:44 pmBiiiiihhhh!!! First off I’m so proud of you for sharing and even more proud of you for being 💯!!! “My ex liked nutting in me” ahhh you know I was giggling like a mf! Keep going I love it!
Kat The Gemini
September 30, 2017 at 11:41 pmBiiiiiihhh 1st off I’m so proud of you for sharing and second of you for being you! Lmao ol ratchet ass! “My ex liked nutting in me” made me scream! Xoxoxo I’m waiting for more because you have some shit to say for sure! 💯
Franchesca Edmonson
September 30, 2017 at 11:38 pmSo glad you shared this story. This is a hard day, we both share this day. Your 8th year my 18th year. My prayer is that these new beginnings bring you lots of joy and love. I love you my friend.
Mina
September 30, 2017 at 9:33 pmCongratulations on being brave enough to share your story. I’m praying that God will use you to touch the lives of other women who are going through similar struggles and you get blessed along the way! Love you
Kums
September 30, 2017 at 9:30 pmLove your story cousin. You are truly going to bless someone with this.
Tree
September 30, 2017 at 9:11 pmYou got me boo hooing over here ! I never knew you went through this. Them damn Doctors didn’t have to put you through all that pain. Love you sis this is going to validate a lot of women in that they aren’t alone and they will get through this.
Kristina Ologban
September 30, 2017 at 9:09 pmWow Anika!!! This is such an amazing & encouraging story that no matter what life may bring, God will always give you the strength to endure. The way you have explained your story will give others the determination to push forward!!!
Alisha
September 30, 2017 at 8:26 pmI LOVE YOU!!!!! Can’t wait to follow your journey!!!!
Monique
September 30, 2017 at 7:43 pmAnika
Thank you for sharing your testimony… my heart goes out to you and your family….. My God continue to keep you in perfect peace….
Brittany
September 30, 2017 at 7:11 pmSo very proud of your strength and courage-thank you for sharing ❤️
Rogenishia
September 30, 2017 at 6:52 pmThis is the most courageous thing i’ve witnessed today. Thank you for being brave and sharing your heart and your story…❤️
Bianca Rosero
September 30, 2017 at 6:47 pmI’m SO proud of you for sharing your story with the WORLD. I know putting it all out there couldn’t have been easy for you but someone out there needed to hear your story and be inspired by how you’re moving on. I’m excited for you and can’t wait to see what “shit you have to say”. 😉😁
Alicia Simmons
September 30, 2017 at 6:46 pmBeautiful story! Thank you for being so open and honest of your journey in efforts to help others. I pray you find the comfort, peace, and solace in knowing she is with the Lord
Beverly
September 30, 2017 at 6:38 pmAnika, I’m over here crying. Thank you for sharing your story. You never know who or how it will touch someone.
Donyelle Harrington
September 30, 2017 at 6:36 pmAnika I’ve known u for a long time and this a truly a testimony, this will really truly help someone thank you for sharing ur story
LaTonya
September 30, 2017 at 6:34 pmThis is Def pretty heavy especially being preggo as I read. My Thoughts & Prayers are with you Sis as God continues to heal your broken heart! Thanks for Sharing! 😘
Trenda Davis
September 30, 2017 at 4:19 pmAlthough I’ve heard some of this just not so many details now I have the full story still tears but yet your new beginning bring so much joy I’m so proud of you I don’t know how many times I told you to do this but I also told your hard headed a** don’t get pregnant before my wedding and you did but anywho I love you and I will be that friend that is going to push and push and push and push you to your limit ( there’s really no limit) Master P. nah nah nah nahhh 😘
Tim
September 30, 2017 at 3:33 pm😘😘😘💯💯💯
Stephanie Wilson
September 30, 2017 at 12:56 pmThis is such a testament for many others who have experienced this to share! I’m proud of you !
Xoxo Big Lady Bug
Brittany May
September 30, 2017 at 11:19 amOver here in tears!!!!! 😭😭
Netonya
September 30, 2017 at 11:17 amI love that you are telling your story Anika. So many people deal with life silently in pain and by sharing I’m sure your helping someone. You are a strong and courageous woman,love ya like I love my coupons. On a side note- you got a few hoe ways 😂😂😂😂you said “I like that shit”