It’s been what 10 months since I last talked s*** and had something to say?? “Takes Deep Breath and Exhales” Look I’ve been trying to figure it out! I mean with life and my emotions/hormones being all over the place, I just really didn’t know what to say, how to say it or where to even begin…Again!!
So I’ll just make this s*** SHORT, SWEET, and SIMPLE…
I LIED… I LIED when I said I was Ready To Be Open… I LIED when I said I had Finally Pushed Fear Aside… I LIED when I said I was Ready To Take Blogging Seriously… But I REALLY LIED when I said I wasn’t Afraid to Speak MY TRUTHS…
Honesty; speaking more of MY Truths especially the ONES that have a Testimonies behind them, scares the f*** outta me! Now don’t get me wrong, I want to be OPEN because I know MY Story, well stories and experiences can help SOMEONE, but I just didn’t want to face it and talk about them, because then it makes s*** REAL! I hope I’m making some sense, anyways I’ve had some of my closest friends say “damn you just keeping secrets now?” and I often tell them I just rather deal with it by myself! Ain’t No Woe is ME NO MOE!! I’ve cried enough tears over the years, tuh I’m A Gangsta!! See I’m already lying again knowing I’m sensitive as h***!! Besides half the time stuff don’t be making sense in my head either,(excuse my grammar) so it just gives me time to process it, make it make sense, and then I’ll talk about it!
Listen since February s*** been crazy, so I’ll just start from last month and eventually I’ll get back to when I last posted talking about fasting, that my lying a** didn’t really do might I add!!
I know, I know, I ain’t S***!!!
I’m skipping over November & October because they were just more months of mourning… As you already know September is a funky month for ME being that My Baby Girl Angel was born sleeping 9 years ago. But on September 4, 2018 a little after 4pm My Sweet Old Lady with the Gold Smile, My Maw Maw, My Mama’s Mama, My Only Living GrandParent, The Tea Cake Lady, The Sweetest Soul I’ve EVER Known took her last breath. Man
F*** Cancer!! For 974 Days Fredna Louise fought ever so Gracefully with a Smile on her Beautiful face and that one “Gold Tooth” on the side shining through! She’s been gone 3 months today, and it’s hitting My Mama, Aunt Marcia, and Aunt Felicia (her 2 older sisters) like a ton bricks… Man, I Miss My Maw Maw, so I can only imagine how they’re feeling! You ever watch the Strongest Women YOU know, watch the Strongest Woman THEY know fight for HER LIFE with NO Complaints?? I have, they lost their 1st Love, Best Friend… For 2 ½ years I watched those 3 Ladies dedicate their lives to their Mama… I can only HOPE and PRAY I’m as STRONG as they ARE! I mean up and down 290, back surgeries, chemo, a few hospital stays, and not to mention their OWN family drama! Because let’s face it they are some pretty awesome MAMA’s and their husbands and kids are SPOILED!! Yet they NEVER complained, made excuses, or folded under the pressure, they just did what they were supposed to do! Ok enough of the sad s***!!
So now that I’ve covered November, October and September, let’s talk about August, July, and June!! I ain’t gon LIE; those were so damn good months for Ya Girl!! A few life hiccups of course, but I was Learning LIFE Lessons all summer long!! Aight, so in August I went to Hawaii the longest 8 hour flight of MY Life!! But…The Water, The Mountains, The Fresh Pineapples, The Good Seafood, The Great Company, The Parasailing Experience!! Yes ya girl was in the air on back of a boat, scared outta my mind!!! But that trip was NEEDED and Very Much WORTH It!! (Thanks Friend) Then not even a week later for work, I was in PHILLY, the city of Brotherly Love!!! And let’s just say the Brotha’s was showing ME some LOVE!! Ok I might be lying again, but it rhymed so I had to say it!! (Lol) Soooo being that NEW YORK was only a hop, jump, and skip away… I went ahead and conquered those NYC streets too!! I visited the World Trade Center Memorial/Museum, rode The Subway that landed ME in TIMES SQUARE!!! TIMES Freaking SQUARE, I ain’t ever LOVED walking so much in MY LIFE!! Then July I went to Kansas City, Kansas/ Kansas City, Missouri for work, I Hated It!!! Not my training but the experiences in that funky a** country state!! Ughh we stayed at the Embassy City Plaza and one of their raggedy a** housekeeping heffas STOLE $100 from my damn purse that was tucked in my luggage!! Yeah I know “I should’ve locked it up in the safe” but I wasn’t thinking about it because that ain’t never happen to me before!! Mind you it’s their funky a** investigating word against mines… they comped me a future weekend stay at ANY HILTONS Hotels but it was still just the principal about the matter in which they handled it!! I had to act a damn fool just to get that!! Well back June I went to Jamaica with “My Old Hens Crew” I’m the baby of the bunch and I look up to these women well… I did!! Let’s just say $1500 wasn’t WORTH IT, I didn’t have to go way to freaking Jamaica to realize I DON’T want to be a 50 year old woman living a LIE because my Family can’t accept me for who I am!! My Folks know I’m CRAZY and will Cut The Fool at any moment, and guess what??? They accept Me FOR ME!! Plus Me & Mines don’t have that type of relationship, Dem Heffas are REAL and WE CALL each other OUT when we’re in the WRONG!! Mannnn listen WE are some TRUTH Tellers at ALL times!! I know we’ve gotten mad at each other for stating the REAL because WE want what’s BEST!! That’s what Friends that turn into FAMILY DO!!!
Back in May I started My New Positon!!! Let’s just say, I know for a fact that it was GOD’s way of helping me walk back into MY Purpose and I’m truly Thankful for this Opportunity! I know I might cuss and fuss, do somethings I don’t have NO business doing but I stay Praying trying to find Understanding, Clarity and Peace! Anywho I work with 1st Time African American Mommies!! You know I gotta be politically correct sometimes…right!!! I get such a JOY knowing I’m helping change the way WE as Black People Love Our Mothers & Parent Our Babies, because statically we are the number one in disparities! Don’t worry I’ll talk more about My New Job that’s feeling MORE like My Purpose in another blog… I Promise!!
Oh Sweet APRIL… Let’s just say My 33rd Diva Day will be one to remember! It started out GREAT; I celebrated in Houston with some family and friends… Friday night April 6th we went to Steak 48, Saturday April 7th My Diva Day we went to see “Set It Off” The Stage Play, followed by dinner and drinks!! No club because I’m old and it was cold as h*** that weekend!! Ohhhhh but on Wednesday April 11th (reader discretion advised) I woke up to some of the worst cramps of MY LIFE!!!! Mind you I had been bleeding off and on (more on) pretty much of all March but I didn’t think anything of it because I thought I was depressed…again hormonal type s***! Anyways I thought taking a few Ibuprofens’, a heating pad, and some warm tea would help, yeah I was wrong!! I got up to potty and pretty much passed out, once I realized I wasn’t getting any better, I called my mama and she rushed me to the hospital… Well after they ran some test they found a cyst on my left ovary that required emergency surgery to be removed!! I was ok at 1st talking to My Mama, cracking jokes, ish talking to the nurses and doctors, that is until s***got real and I was being prepped. All I remember is the Doctor saying “I’m going try NOT to take your left tube, especially if you’re wanting to have kids one day in the NEAR FUTURE!” (I’m getting Engaged, Married and Pregnant Next Year!! Yeap I’m Claiming It Ya’ll) then My Mama hands me the phone and its My Daddy saying I Love You Mija & I see you when you wake up!! Mannnnn I don’t know what it was, maybe the tone of his voice… I started crying so hard telling him I didn’t want to die, and I wasn’t ready, the nurses looking like “No its going to be ok Women have this done more often than you think!” Well I wasn’t thinking about them I just knew I wasn’t ready to meet the Lord and I was scared as h**!! Oh did I mention I didn’t tell ANYONE until the next day (I was shook) and they were pretty much all pissed!!! And I was in a Stage Play that opened 2 days later Friday 13th… Hey, clearly everything went GREAT because I’m here blogging about it!! March and February were pretty much me trying to figure out if I was dealing with depression again or what because I moved back home (I’m trying to buy house) and all I wanted to do was sleep, cry, and freaking eat!! I tried doing that fast…I lasted all of 2.5 minutes, I wasn’t as ready as I thought…I was lying to MySelf, again!!!Soooooooo I think that pretty much sums up where I’ve been these past 10 months trying to LIVE Life, while Life was pretty much DOING ME!!
Don’t get me wrong there was some Good Times, but those Bad Times knocked me on My A** and emotionally I just couldn’t shake it. I say all this to say… Had I NOT LIED to MYSELF in the 1st place and TRULY WALKED BY FAITH… Not By Sight, been LAZY, and TRULY understood that GOD’s timing is NOT My Timing… Who knows where AnikaCamelle could be by now?!? That’s alright thou I’m Still Living, and Still Learning…
It Just means NOW I have ALOT more s*** to say, with So Much More Purpose!!!